Friday, June 14, 2013

Coming Back

Hi there everyone!! It has been a LONG time!  I am truly sorry for dropping off of the face of the planet, but at the time, that is what I needed to do.  I needed time to heal and reflect on my life, and to contemplate my future plans with horses, or lack of?  The aftermath of the fire and the months/year following were as devastating and life changing as the actual event.  Although I knew that my life was majorly changed, I still thought "Oh I can do this!  I can get right back into everything".  It was a bad way to look at everything.  All it did was cause major pressure to myself and my horse, a complete loss of joy in riding and competing, and an overlwhelming dread and anger at what was gone.  You don't just bounce hard as you try.  In hindsight, I should have bought Phoenix and just enjoyed him and his training while I worked on regrouping and recovering myself.  The fire had many levels of destruction and devastation.  The loss of my beloved horses, the loss financially, the loss of the personal goals that I put everything else in my life on hold for, and then the insecurity of feeling in one moment unstoppable and on top of the world, to the next, where I am back at the bottom of the barrel with my scraggly, fresh off the track thoroughbred who is all I now have to represent me.  I have always had a very green Thoroughbred in my barn.  It is what I do, however I also had Scooby, my bread and butter who showcased where I was at in my own riding.  With him gone, and only being as good as Phoenix can allow, I was in a bad place mentally and it was not fair to him.  He had given me eveything in such a short period of time and although it is was nowhere near what I wanted out of him, it was all he could do.  Everything came to a head in September while I was at a Horse Trial.  I felt so much dread about showing and being there.  I paid so little attention while course walking that I actually cantered directly past a jump in show jumping without even realizing it until Chris told me when I came out.  I have had a TE before because of a genuine "oopsy" mistake, but this was different.  I was done and I knew it.  I was finished with showing and trying to hold onto something that was gone.  I hated it and it was not fair to my horse, who despite his efforts, barely received good boy pats from me. I hated the way he looked even.  He was a rusty Geo Metro compared to the Lamborghini named Scooby.  Yes, things were that bad.  It is almost a good thing that they peaked though.  I had no choice but to stop everything, truly reflect, and then take the time to actually mourn and come to terms with the loss of my horses. 

In about January, things began turning around for me.  I decided that I would no longer event.  The anger about that loss was still there, so I decided to turn my focus on jumpers.  It was something that I have never done with Scooby and it has also been my weaker area in eventing, so I felt it could be beneficial all the way around.  My training would stay the same with a large emphasis on classical dressage, I would just jump a tad more and school lead changes more often.  I think the decision to put my focus somewhere else was the best thing I could do.  Surprisingly enough, as soon as I began doing jumpers, I also started to miss eventing some.  With Phoenix and I in a much better place, I last minute decided to enter Difficult Run Horse Trials for June 7-9th (my very favorite Horse Trial).  Although I still had a few "moments" over the weekend, everything went great and it was a blast!  Phoenix scored a 36 in Dressage.  I was not thrilled about it (I was really hoping for a low 30), but he was somewhat distracted.  I was ok with it though.  He had one rail in Show Jumping (the last fence...Boo!)  I was most likely already relishing in my clear round before it actually happened!  Cross country was awesme!  Despite the slippery footing from all of the rain sustained and not using large enough studs, he still jumped around to a double clear.  In Chris's words "He was a beaaaast!!"  He finished in 5th place and earned his first USEA points!!  What a different place we are getting into.  I love Phoenix now and truly appreciate him for him.  I no longer compare him to Scooby.  I think about my Lamborghini all of the time and do not feel I will ever truly come to terms with what happened, but I do know that I am strong enough to perservere.  Tragedy and grief crushed my world for a long time, but with the amazing support of friends, family, and a special bay horse named Phoenix, things are heading in a good direction again...  I am thrilled to be getting my life back!!

The rusty Geo Metro has transformed into a beautiful Ferrari =)

Penn National,  January 2012

Difficult Run Horse Trials, June 2013 

Here are P's two Cross Country clips from this past weekend..

I have so many more updates to give, but since it has been so long, it will just take time!!!