Up's And Down's

From about the end of April until the end of May, I hit my absolute lowest point to date.  Depression, anger and frustration took over me.  What has been making it harder is that it has been five months since the fire.  Where has the time gone?  It scares me to feel that I am in the same place as I was in January.  Nothing really sparked a downward spiral...business is doing well, Phoenix is doing well, and despite my emotional heartache, things have been moving forward.  This emotional roller coaster has been so difficult though.  I will have weeks where I truly feel that things are moving in the right direction and then out of nowhere, something will spark the anger and sadness again.  I have been reading a lot about the grieving process, so I know that this is all normal.  It is just difficult getting through the bad times.  Today actually, I came across my training log from last year.  I look at my writing and notes from Scooby and think "Oh my god, if I only knew then that this would become a detailed memory of our journey together and something that I will cherish forever"...I hate to act like "why me?", but I would be lying if I said that I do not ask this... I miss Scooby so much and it is incredibly tormenting to know that, although I think about his loss every day, there is still nothing any of us can do to bring him back or change the situation...Moving forward is the only option, however, it is just not that easy....I am so fortunate though to have so many people who truly care...and I have Phoenix =)  He is my life saver.  Since I have not posted in so long, here is the quick update on him...He is now eventing at the Beginner Novice Level =)  I did not move him up at Plantation like I originally planned, but waited until Flora Lea.  Despite one stop at the water (Hey, it was a very spooky water =)), he cruised around Cross Country like a champ!  The video is below!  He definitely looked like an experienced boy, however I am sure he was the most inexperienced horse at the entire competition!  It was a very proud day for Chris and I, and it made me remember how much I love the sport of eventing.  If losing one of the most important things in my life has not made me quit, I know that I never will.

This past weekend was a tough one for me though.  We brought Phoenix to Plantation Field on Saturday and I had no idea that competing there would bring so much emotion.  I had competed Scooby there a lot in the last couple of years and it definitely affected me a little.  Dressage went ok.  We didn't have a lot of warm up time, but Phoenix did about as well as he has been schooling at home and scored a 36.  Definitely higher than where we ultimately want him, however, he gave me 100% for where he is at in his training.  He was very focused and performed exactly the way he does at home.  That makes me excited because in a few more months when he is further along, he will be scoring like Scoobs =) Warm up for Show Jumping went very well.  He was a jumping machine.  Even with his studs. the footing felt a bit greasy, so I made my plan for Cross Country to go slow and take wide turns.  When I went into Show Jumping, he was a bit distracted, but not bad...He just turned 5 and has only been off the track for 4 months.  I am realistic.  He jumped the first three fences fairly well, but when he made the bending line to 4 a/b, he slowed a tad at A and got into it deep and with a slight loss of momentum, which despite my efforts to re-establish power, he got into B very much the same and practically threw himself over it.  Not a huge deal for a green horse, but unfortunately, he clipped the top rail of the oxer with his hind legs and brought it down . Again, typically not a big deal for a green horse, but he must clipped himself pretty good because he cantered away from it hitchy in the hind end.  I circled him around twice trying to feel what was going on, if it was my imagination or not.  I decided to pull him up to be safe.  He walked out of the arena fine, but it was the right decision.  Bummer though!!  The bad days are always part of the sport, but still, they sting!  I am glad that P is ok, but it left me with a LONG 3 hour car ride home, consumed with the "ohhh....how long until I compete again?!?!"  I always remember Karen O'Connor saying "You are only as good as your last show".  Let me tell you, it is true!!!!!  I have always felt this way.  You can be flying high one week, then brought down and humbled the next.  I have a huge respect for every rider who puts themselves out there in the competition world.  It is not easy... That being said, I am super excited for the New Jersey Horse Trials the last week of June..

I just want to thank everyone again for their continued love and support through this still very difficult time...