From about the end of April until the end of May, I hit my absolute lowest point to date. Depression, anger and frustration took over me. What has been making it harder is that it has been five months since the fire. Where has the time gone? It scares me to feel that I am in the same place as I was in January. Nothing really sparked a downward spiral...business is doing well, Phoenix is doing well, and despite my emotional heartache, things have been moving forward. This emotional roller coaster has been so difficult though. I will have weeks where I truly feel that things are moving in the right direction and then out of nowhere, something will spark the anger and sadness again. I have been reading a lot about the grieving process, so I know that this is all normal. It is just difficult getting through the bad times. Today actually, I came across my training log from last year. I look at my writing and notes from Scooby and think "Oh my god, if I only knew then that this would become a detailed memory of our journey together and something that I will cherish forever"...I hate to act like "why me?", but I would be lying if I said that I do not ask this... I miss Scooby so much and it is incredibly tormenting to know that, although I think about his loss every day, there is still nothing any of us can do to bring him back or change the situation...Moving forward is the only option, however, it is just not that easy....I am so fortunate though to have so many people who truly care...and I have Phoenix =) He is my life saver. Since I have not posted in so long, here is the quick update on him...He is now eventing at the Beginner Novice Level =) I did not move him up at Plantation like I originally planned, but waited until Flora Lea. Despite one stop at the water (Hey, it was a very spooky water =)), he cruised around Cross Country like a champ! The video is below! He definitely looked like an experienced boy, however I am sure he was the most inexperienced horse at the entire competition! It was a very proud day for Chris and I, and it made me remember how much I love the sport of eventing. If losing one of the most important things in my life has not made me quit, I know that I never will.
This past weekend was a tough one for me though. We brought Phoenix to Plantation Field on Saturday and I had no idea that competing there would bring so much emotion. I had competed Scooby there a lot in the last couple of years and it definitely affected me a little. Dressage went ok. We didn't have a lot of warm up time, but Phoenix did about as well as he has been schooling at home and scored a 36. Definitely higher than where we ultimately want him, however, he gave me 100% for where he is at in his training. He was very focused and performed exactly the way he does at home. That makes me excited because in a few more months when he is further along, he will be scoring like Scoobs =) Warm up for Show Jumping went very well. He was a jumping machine. Even with his studs. the footing felt a bit greasy, so I made my plan for Cross Country to go slow and take wide turns. When I went into Show Jumping, he was a bit distracted, but not bad...He just turned 5 and has only been off the track for 4 months. I am realistic. He jumped the first three fences fairly well, but when he made the bending line to 4 a/b, he slowed a tad at A and got into it deep and with a slight loss of momentum, which despite my efforts to re-establish power, he got into B very much the same and practically threw himself over it. Not a huge deal for a green horse, but unfortunately, he clipped the top rail of the oxer with his hind legs and brought it down . Again, typically not a big deal for a green horse, but he must clipped himself pretty good because he cantered away from it hitchy in the hind end. I circled him around twice trying to feel what was going on, if it was my imagination or not. I decided to pull him up to be safe. He walked out of the arena fine, but it was the right decision. Bummer though!! The bad days are always part of the sport, but still, they sting! I am glad that P is ok, but it left me with a LONG 3 hour car ride home, consumed with the "ohhh....how long until I compete again?!?!" I always remember Karen O'Connor saying "You are only as good as your last show". Let me tell you, it is true!!!!! I have always felt this way. You can be flying high one week, then brought down and humbled the next. I have a huge respect for every rider who puts themselves out there in the competition world. It is not easy... That being said, I am super excited for the New Jersey Horse Trials the last week of June..
I just want to thank everyone again for their continued love and support through this still very difficult time...
Surprise!! Yes, we are going to Plantation Field in May!!! As you know, Chris and I have been loosely throwing the idea around of starting Phoenix in recognized competition in May, but the last I left it was that I was going to hold off until June because I am not sure how competitive he will be initially. Well.....we took Phoenix on his first outing off the farm last Saturday and he was awesomeeeeeeeee!!!! Of course he had lots of energy initially, so we spent a lot of time trotting a 20 meter circle, but once he settled, he was amazing!! He met and exceeded all of my very high expectations jumping also!! He did several BN questions and even a few Novice fences! He also did two small drops into the water! He was such a bold pony! Here are a few pics from the day!!
Phoenix over the Beginner Novice ditch!
Phoenix with Max and Helen (Helen is one of my clients who happened to be at Bucks the same day!)
Who is that handsome guy?!
Cait, Phoenix and I sporting the blue and pink!!!
Here are the SEVEN short video clips!
So from here....we get ready for Plantation!!! This is what we did in 6 weeks of training, lets see what we can do in the next 4 1/2 weeks! The exciting part is that he his ready for Beginner Novice now, so I am just going to continue training and enjoying him! I am planning to take him to another cross country schooling next weekend and will be entering a schooling Horse Trial on May 5th!! Stay tuned for updates as Plantation nears!!
Btw, Check out this one last video! Caitlyn made this for Phoenix =)) I do believe this horse was sent here to take care of me. He has brought back so much happiness in my life...
~ Grief steals all the beauty in the world , then gives it back one piece at a time until the house you call your home is built on more hope than sorrow ~
Lately I have been reading a lot of self healing novels and this quote really struck me because it is very true. Up until January, I had never experienced a true personal tragedy. I thought I did when my very dear friend lost her husband in a sudden accident (Tom is actually the reason I sport the pink with blue!). I thought that after living it with her, I could truly feel her pain..I could not though. I still can not..I have a definite understanding of loss, but on a different level. After the fire and experiencing the loss of Scooby and Kaz, I am on a different mental level than I ever was before. I am realizing that the things that I worried so much about, really do not matter...I am also realizing that I need to enjoy this life and the time that I have here, because in a blink of an eye, it can all be gone. This is something that I always thought I knew, but I had no clue...It is impossible to have this understanding unless you have experienced it. It is true..This is something positive that I am taking out of the fire. In between the bad days, I have these amazing days where I feel empowered and excited to tackle my new future. I do not have the fears of failure anymore. When you hear the statement "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", believe me, it is very factual. This broke me down to the lowest point of my life, but I am gradually emerging stronger than ever possible. Having this new outlook is going to be with me forever and that is something to be thankful for...
Now about Phoenix!
Can you tell that he is doing awesomeeeeeee!
I am sorry that I have not posted about him for several weeks. You all deserve to hear frequent updates on him and I promise to be better about it. Let me quickly fill everyone in on his training...This is his fifth full week of hard work and he has been nothing short of amazing! I always forget that he has only been off of the track for less than two months! His flatwork is doing amazing and his movement is really beginning to open and swing! He is looking more and more like Scooby every day! When he is totally relaxed, he feels like Scooby! He is pretty exceptional...Scooby was definitely looking down on me with this horse...His jumping is coming along very nicely as well!!! He is showing fantastic natural ability and scope! He even did his first cross country type fences last Sunday. Bri's boyfriend, Scott, made us some small log jumps out in our one field, so naturally, I was out there the next day!!! Phoenix was not phased by anything, but was insistent on giving me some happy hops departing from the first two of fences! He is definitely Scooby in a coming 5 year old body! Chris and I are taking him to his first real cross country schooling next weekend, and I am ohhh so excited!!! From there, we will be planning a second schooling in April and then his first Horse Trial in May. He is scheduled to do two or three schooling hts in May and depending on how he does, the tentative plan is to make our USEA debut together at Plantation Field in June....Can you believe it? The strong possibility of returning to recognized competition by the beginning of June?!?! He is doing so well that Chris and I have even joked that I could have him ready for Difficult Run in May! That is my favorite place to compete at and if I thought he could actually be competitive, I would prob do it! Realistically, I am preparing for a fire breathing dragon who will want to zoom around the dressage arena for the first show or two. I would like to get all of that out of his system before paying the entry fees for USEA comps, so several schooling shows it is! Did I ever mention that Scooby's first show was quite scary?! Hahaha...Yes, I couldn't even get on him in the Dressage warm up! I had to warm him up in a quiet field and even after trotting for a straight hour, his dressage test was a complete jig!! I always love speaking to the Dressage judges after those initial schooling shows with green ottbs...HA! Scooby did go on to become my strongest, most solid and consistent dressage horse ever. Phoenix has that ability as well..It will just take some exposure to get to that point.
Enjoy all of our videos =)) I am sorry again that I was not more prompt with these....Btw, the pink helmet cover is going very soon!!!!
This video is from about three weeks ago (3-11-12). It was his third jumping session. After the grid, I was working to teach him a correct, slow hand gallop (pushing from the butt and working to stay light up front). He has come a long way between then and now =)
This video is also from 3-11-12. I was again working on a correct hand gallop. He was much better to the left and some of his movement was pretty impressive for a future upper level eventer =) He is going to cover ground!!! Phoenix was actually bred for long distances and most of his races were between a mile to a mile and a half! Perfect for an eventer!!
These next two videos are from last weekend (3-25-12). It was his first time jumping cross country type fences =))
Today I should be competing Scooby and Kaz at Morven Park...I had worked very hard up until the fire for this weekend. It was in my thoughts every day and I was so excited to debut Kazzy to the eventing world. Although I have not even checked the scores because I feel it will be too hard for me, I am doing surprisingly well... I spent the rainy morning with Phoenix and had another great jumping session! I will never get over the loss of my boys, but by having Phoenix and developing a very different outlook on life, I am beginning to see the Silver Lining of this tragic experience...
I came home on Saturday to find a package from GRC in the mail. Those of you who are not overly familiar with Area 2 eventing, GRC is the top photographer for us. They take tons of photos at each event and always do a fantastic job. There is always a lot of excitement the week after a horse trial just waiting for them to post the photos! Enclosed in the package from them was a USB Drive labeled "Rebecca Greene and Scooby Who". Chris told me he was not going to give it to me right away, but since I already saw the package, I may as well look at it. I have been having a pretty rough, emotional week, so I totally get why he was not going to show me it. I opened it up and enclosed in the USB Drive is what I feel to be the most beautiful tribute to Scooby and I. It has competitions from every year that we have competed together..from Novice-Prelim. The first few photos are from the first Horse Trial that he won. It was at the Novice Level.....As the video nears the end, several of the photos are from our last Horse Trial together. If only I knew that would be our last ride together....it is a very touching tribute. Definitely difficult to watch, but so dear to my heart. Chris and Shane put the entire thing together. Shane picked out all of the photos....How did I get so lucky to have people like them in my life? Shane and I met four years ago when she purchased one of my horses. We became quick friends with a strong bond...She has been there since the beginning with Scooby. I had only owned him for a couple of months when she bought Caesar. She has watched us compete several times in the Maryland/Virginia area and has always a strong support system for me...I am so thankful for her and the huge support she has shown me through this horrible time...
In the four and a half years we were together, Scooby and I completed almost 50 Horse Trials. We had a wonderful journey and although it is now over, I am so thankful to be able to share it with all of you...Please enjoy =)
Ohh Scooby....How lost I feel without you. You were my world and I miss you more and more as time goes on. What I would do to have just one more day with you...
Today is the first day since the fire that I have found some true happiness and excitement for the future. I am starting to fall in love with Phoenix and had the best day ever with him! That is a big step in the right direction, considering I had to force myself to go see him the first week he was home. He has not let me down in one way. He is a gentleman to groom and tack up, he is sweet and kind, and he is oh so talented and smart. He even ground tied yesterday for me since I was alone. Do not forget that grooming and tacking up is like being at a horse show everyday. All that is left from the fire is the indoor and my trailer. I am so thankful for both. If the indoor would have been lost, my trailer would have been also. It was parked right next to the back wall. Thank you so much to all of the firefighters who worked so hard to save that structure. The trailer is our tack up spot, and Bri and I have the tack room filled to the brim with donated supplies =) Thank you so much again to everybody who has thought about us...We will never forget your kindness.
Back to Phoenix! I just can not believe that I found this horse. He had his third real ride today and is just doing amazing...I can not believe how fast he is learning. He is already beginning to supple and loosen his back, and he even cantered and did some ground poles! Big steps for a third ride! I am so excited for what his movement is going to be like under saddle once he loosens more. I've seen his pasture trot! Wowww!! He is just so smart though. Every ride he is improving a lot! As horrible of a card that we were recently dealt, I am blessed to have this horse right now. He is everything that I look for in an upper level horse, and with the kindness of Scooby. I truly believe that Scooby is with him..How else can he be learning so quickly? Scooby knows that we have Horse Trials to get ready for =) Which by the way, make sure to check out the video clip of me leading him over logs out in the yard. I know, not the safest thing, but I could not resist!
Phoenix's First Time Over Ground Poles/ Third Ride
(Count how many times I say Good Boy! Ha!)
Phoenix's First Cross Country Fences! LOL!
Even though we are just going on two weeks together, I have some big summer plans for us. This is the VERY best that I have felt since the fire and I am sooooooooo excited to start this new journey with Phoenix...He is the horse for me!
~ Phoenix: A mythicalbirdofgreatbeautyfabledtolive500or600yearsinthe Arabianwilderness,toburnitselfonafuneralpyre,andtorisefrom itsashesinthefreshnessofyouthandlivethroughanothercycleof years:oftenanemblemofimmortalityorofrebornidealismorhope ~
Meet Phoenix ....
How do you find peace after experiencing such a tragedy? I still do not know. I am tormented day and night by what has happened. It is still so hard to comprehend. It does not seem real. There is no way that this could not have happened to my horses...butit did...That is the sad reality. My old life ended on January 15th and my new life had no choice but to begin. I am still so far from feeling good, but the healing process has begun. I have no choice, but to move forward and try to make the most of this new life. I have this beautiful bay horse waiting for me to love on him and show him his new life. He is kind and sweet, he is very talented...he is what I need right now to put the pieces of my life back together again. I'm a little reserved towards him, but I love him already and I know that it is just going to take time to let him in..as it is going to take time for him to let me in. I am thankful for him though. I am thankful for all of you who helped buy him...He is as much all of yours, as he is mine. I am looking forward to showing everyone that their money was put to very good use. He is similar to Scooby, so I am hopeful that he is going to have a bright eventing future. Although I have not even sat on him yet, I have big plans for this summer. It is very typical of me to put together a competition schedule for a new horse before they even have my saddle on their backs, so by making future plans for him, I have some comfort that I am still holding onto a piece of my old self. I did not lose everything per say..I just need to continue to searching for the me that I was just three and a half short weeks ago. I am hoping that as time moves forward, I find the happiness that I so desperately want and need. There will not be a day that goes by that I do not think about Scooby and Kaz, hurt for the suffering that they experienced, have anger that none of us could help them, or have self pity for what was taken from me way too early, but I do know that I am strong willed and very stubborn...I know that I can overcome this and find happiness again...I have a wonderful husband, a very strong support system in all of you and a beautiful future eventer in Phoenix....It will be a long, emotional journey, but I am up for it...I love all of you for the support that you have shown us and hope that you will all still be there as we rebuild...
Where to even begin....With the largest thank you to everyone is the best place to start....My life has been turned upside down and the shock is still strongly there. Posting anything is incredibly difficult right now, so please bare with me. I am in tears sitting here, so as I am able to cope better, I will post more...I need everyone to know though how thankful and grateful Chris and I are...We are going through the most difficult thing we have been faced with and the support from all of you is what is keeping us going...I feel like I have lost my life, my identity, and to even begin to pick up the pieces seems nearly impossible...My life was truly in that barn...Scooby...Kaz....they were everything to me..everything. I loved Scooby more than any horse I have ever met. The only horse to ever even come close to my love of Scooby, was Kazzy....and to lose them both, in this manner...is just unimaginable. My heart has been torn out and stomped all over...They deserved so much better...all of the horses in the barn did. They were all wonderful and we all took such good care of them. As I am able to cope a little better, I will be posting pictures and info on all of them...they all had a special place in our hearts...
Chris and I will be forever and ever grateful for everyone's support. You are what is keeping us going. I don't want my cherished horses forgotten...I need to keep them alive and loved in spirit...We spend a lot of time checking out the facebook page that our dear friend Shane has put together...I can never thank Shane enough for getting the word out and bringing in all of this support for us....All of the kind words people have to say have been lifting our spirits like none other. And the donations....I can not express my gratitude enough for them. I feel so guilty even taking them, but we lost everything....Horribly, I let Scooby's insurance lapse because of the cost of the new policy for this year. I was planning to pick it back up in March when competitions began....he has always been insured..from the moment I purchased him off of the track, and to let it lapse for even a couple months, was incredibly stupid...please learn from my mistake...it's a sad situation to even have to think about finances in a time of tragedy...
I will be posting again in the next week...We will be burying our beloved ponies tomorrow or Saturday. It is so heartbreaking to know that I will never see Scooby again....I go to see their remains everyday...it is the only thing that has given me any closure...Everyone handles grief differently, but I needed to know what they went through and I want them to know that I am still here for them...all of them...I will never be the same after experiencing this tragedy. To have to stand by and watch a fire tear through our barn, knowing my babies were in there...it will forever haunt me...At the moment Chris woke me up Sunday, January 15 at 1:45 am.....my life was changed. I promise though, I will put all of the donations and love into a new horse/horses and rebuilding what we lost. With everyone's support, I will be out there again in our signature blue and pink. I know Scooby wants me to move forward and accomplish my dreams...please, if you ever recognize Chris or I at a show, please, please approach us...We want to thank and hug every person out there who is rooting for us....We love all of you.....more than you will ever know...
